Tomorrow....

I bet you have the same thought that I do....where did the weekend go? Sometimes it seems like Monday through Thursday just drags on.  Then, along comes the weekend and the seconds can't go fast enough.  Well, tomorrow finds most of us going back to work. It is, in fact, something to be thankful for.  It is so common to hear of layoffs and the difficulties of finding a job that we really need to count our blessings if we have a job to report to. 

Tomorrow is my second day of orientation for my new/old job.  I am considered a "new" employee since I had a break in employement, so I have to go through the new employee orientation. It actually isn't too bad.  I have made some new acquaintences and that makes it all worthwhile. 

I also have to go back to the hospital tomorrow for further testing since my mammogram came back showing that "density" thing. I am a bit nervous about that. Again, I know, probably nothing to be concerned about.  I guess I am just a worry wart. I am already feeling anxious about next week's colonoscopy and I haven't even gotten through tomorrow's test yet. I told my guy tonight that I dislike going through this stuff by myself.  I miss having someone sitting beside me in the waiting room, holding my hand and whispering in my ear, "it's going to be alright." I'll miss squeezing his hand as they stick my arm with the needle in order to prepare for the i.v. and sedation. I'll miss seeing him as they wheel me to the back for the procedure and then again, when I wake up. I'll miss that tender, loving, care that only that special, special someone can give.  But, like all things, I'll get through it.  I'm a big girl, after all.  But, just for the record, I still don't like it!

The one thing I do have to look forward to is this....17 days!!!  17 days and I'll have a little piece of heaven in a big, chilly, cold city.  I'll finally be with my man again!  It's been three months since the last time we were together and I am so looking forward to this. I even have my countdown to the second on my cell phone.  It's going to be a bit busy since I'll have some friends visiting but it should be lots of fun.  Plus, we'll be celebrating three years!  It doesn't seem that long at all.  It's like only yesterday that I was trying desperately to get his attention, practically jumping up and down in front of him.  Just joking, I wasn't really jumping up and down.  Although, I did have to work at getting his attention and as a last resort, intiating the conversation...ok, ok, making "the move."  In the end, it was all worth it.  We've made it this far!

So, in order for me to get there (my visit), I have to go through a few more tomorrows.  I have to get through a few more tests. Time has to drag on and/or pass by fast.  In order to get there, life has to go on. 

TMI...Too Much Information

It's hard for me to explain where I am right now. I know that my feelings and thoughts are a bit over the top because I am PMS'ing. More information than you need to know, right? It happens though, normal to every woman, and even every poor man, for surely he has been a victim of PMS at some point in his life.

For starters, I am a little nervous.  I have been catching up on my yearly medical exams. It began with the physical and blood work.  Thankfully, that all came back "remarkably good", except for being anemic.  However, that doesn't come as a surprise since I have been anemic all of my life.  After that, the next tests were a mammogram and the dreaded pap smear. It takes almost a week or so to get the pap smear results back, so I'll sit on pins and needles until I get the notice in the mail, or the dreaded phone.

I actually had the dreaded phone call on Friday regarding my mammogram.  I had just went in on Friday morning for that test and by late that afternoon, my doctor was calling me.  Therefore, I am a tad bit worked up. It's probably nothing to worry about.  My man has assured me that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am going to be around to give him grief for lots of years, he says. Goodness, I hope that is true! I have to go in for an ultrasound because of the "density." I would have went back on Friday but they said I didn't have to rush in (that has to mean something good?) but more importantly, the lab was already closed.  So, I'll have to wait until tomorrow to schedule that test. I have been reading different articles that say the timing of a woman's cycle can affect the test results of a mammogram. I am praying that is indeed the case.  I am trying to have only good, positive thoughts and not dwell on it much.  It doesn't do me any good to fret. I need to leave it all in God's hands...but, I can't help but think of it from time to time.

Then, to top it off, I have the most wanted test of all time scheduled for next week, the colonoscopy. Yippee!!! As much as I would really like to put it off, I can't.  I have the AFAP (attenuated familial adenomatous polyposis) gene and those tests are given more often than one would like.

Yet, as much as I get nervous about all these tests, I know, too, that I am so blessed to have good doctors and insurance.  I am so, so blessed!! I am even more blessed because I have my man that listens to me and doesn't get upset when I go on one of my PMS emotional tirades, especially if it deals with my health.  He is so much more positive than me, in that respect. I love that about him!

In the meantime, I just keep praying and hoping.....

Acceptance

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.  Sam Levenson

Isn't this so true? Those first few weeks and months of a new relationship, you are so engrossed in each other.  Everything is cute and adorable.  You overlook the fact that he leaves the toilet seat up causing you to "fall in" when it's your time to go. He takes time to explain his favorite sport and enjoys answering the questions that surely arise, even if it is the second or third time doing so. He enjoys taking you out, looking beautiful on his arm, causing heads to turn.  You think it is so sexy when he walks around outside without his shirt on, showing off that sixpack.  You like that he can start a conversation with anyone and become instant buddies.  He likes that you have an opinion on every subject. It's going to be like that forever. Right!

Wouldn't it be great....

• if ten years down the line, both of you still enjoyed those things about each other? 
• if you could still chuckle at the occasional "fall in" or that he doesn't roll his eyes the hundredth (ok, thousandth) time that you asked what's the difference between interception and interference?
• if he was still proud to have you on his arm even though you gained a few extra pounds during the years?
• if you still thought it was cute to watch him cut the grass without his shirt on even though the sixpack abs has been replaced with the six pack beers?
• if you still found it a gift that he could befriend anyone, even other women?
• if he still enjoyed listening to your detailed and long winded chatter?

It's funny.  Sometimes the things we found attractive and appealing, can be the very ones that wind up annoying us, months or years into a relationship. How do we avoid that? Maybe I don't know the whole answer but I think I know part of it.

Before I give my opinion, let me say that I'm definitely not a love guru. I have made many, many mistakes in the past, huge and big ones. I am doubly sure that I will make a few more in my lifetime. However, it is through mistakes we learn and grow. I wasn't very open to the idea of a long distance relationship when my guy decided to move halfway around the world because of a once in a lifetime job offer.  Ok, it wasn't halfway around the world, it just seemed like it. Maybe it wasn't a once in a lifetime job offer either, but it would have been crazy to pass it up.  But, if anything this long distance between my guy and myself has taught me, it is to be appreciative.

I am appreciative of all his little quirks and idiosyncrasies.  I have become more accepting. I know that I can't change him. I can't change the fact that he doesn't like talking on the phone.  I can't change the fact that he likes to go out to listen to music and have a drink (ha! sure, I say, just one) every so often (can you believe that he has fun without me?!). I can't change the fact that he doesn't like to talk about his emotions much (not as often as I do!).  But, you know what? I don't want to change him.  I love him just as he is.  So, I accept those things. He is who he is, just as I am who I am. We have to accept the differences in one another.  However, that doesn't mean that we can't talk about them nor does it mean that we can't make compromises.

Generally, though, I think acceptance is the key.  We have to accept that we are not always going to "like" each other.  Yet, we still love one another.  I don't like that he goes out and has a great time without me, but I don't stop loving him. I don't like that he doesn't tell me often (is every day too often? just joking!!) how special I am to him and how much he misses me, but I still love him. It's also recognizing that the differences in one another can make a relationship stronger. You take from those differences and learn from one another. For instance, I have learned that it is ok to go out with your friends and have a good time, every once and awhile.  Of course, all within reason and not doing anything to disrespect your partner or your relationship. By doing things with friends from time to time, or taking on a new hobby, I don't lose myself in the relationship. It, in turn, strengthens my relationship because I am not dependent solely on my guy for my happiness.

Maybe, just maybe, because we can be accepting of the differences in each other, and even accepting of the changes that will come with time and life (hair loss, ear hair, wrinkles, weight gain), we can be one of those miracles. I look forward to spending a lifetime looking at my guy and loving every second of it. Plus, I know that if he loses his hair, it's probably due to the headaches I give him, and if he gains weight, it's because of the takeout food that we enjoy. Unfortunately, I can't take credit for wrinkles and ear hair! 
 

Middle of the Week happenings

I can't believe it's almost Wednesday! The time seems to be flying by, doesn't it? My days at my current job are dwindling down.  I still feel guilty but I am getting more excited with each day.  I have been creating these manuals trying to explain everything I do in detail, including screen shots when possible. I have even organized all my electronic files and emails into folders. It makes me feel better knowing that I am not leaving them completely in the dark.  Short timer, I am.

The last couple of days I have found myself more melancholy than usual.  I should know better! I saw that movie, Love Happens, over the weekend. A mushy, romantic movie will do it to me every time. Torture it is but I still go pay my $9.50 and sit there by myself.  Actually, this time, I dragged my son and his girlfriend to see it with me.  Not much dragging on her part but I could hear him grumbling over there.  I was glad I didn't sit next to him! I left the theater missing my guy even more (yep, it's possible!!) and daydreaming that he would magically show up on my door step professing his undying love and how he can't live without me. Hey, hope and dreams are wonderful things!

Anyway, these are the two books I am currently reading, Every Women's Battle by Shannon Ethridge, and When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy.  As you can tell, one is a bit worn. I have read it several times over now, always getting something new out of it (I'm sorry, I know it's not good grammar to end a sentence with it).  I like these books because they have thought provoking questions and they are both centered on the Bible.  I am considering writing about some of the points that I find interesting. If anyone has read either of these, drop me a line to let me know what your thoughts are on them.

 

       

The Game

It's Saturday night and here I am. I had planned to watch the Purdue/Notre Dame game and drink some wine. Instead, I find myself watching the game and reflecting on the past week during the commercials. Poor Purdue, they're having it a little rough right now.  They're missing their tackles and not scoring. Yet, there is hope. Why?  They're at home, in their stadium and they have their fans standing behind them, cheering them on. Anything is possible.

My week was a bit like that. It began with me having to walk into my bosses office to turn in my resignation.  I felt guilty. Like most, I hate letting others down. I considered putting it off until later in the week, but as I sat at my desk, God gave me a big shot of courage. I knew I had to do it right then and there. As the week progressed, my news was spread to my team and throughout the office.  The phone calls and emails began expressing surprise and sadness.  Of course, it feels great to know that you are wanted and will be missed, but for me, it only deepened the guilt. So, when I walked out the door Thursday, it felt like a weight had been lifted...at least, until Monday. I guess it'll be like that until my last day.

Plans are made to be changed, right?  Yesterday, when I woke up, I didn't plan on having my day end in the emergency room.  Actually, my plans were to have lunch with my oldest son and at some point, go hang out at the museum. Instead, I received that dreaded phone call from school.  The one that goes something like, "I'm sorry, your son has been in an accident and needs to go to the emergency room", and gets your heart racing. Thankfully, it wasn't too serious. What a guy, he's milking it with the girls, getting their sympathy and such.  (Is that innate or learned??)

I realize just how blessed I am.  The economy is horrible right now, jobs are hard to come by and the competition is fierce.  Yet, I was fortunate to have an opportunity pretty much handed to me.  Then, even more importantly, my son was very blessed that his injury could be taken care of with just stitches.  No concussion or anything worse.  Thank God!!

Purdue almost had it.  They came back strong in the end and gave it their best shot.  They didn't plan on losing the game.  Yet, even through it all, they had their fans rooting for them. They didn't give up hope.  Like them, there are things that come our way and our plans are changed.  Sometimes it's for the better. Other times, it may be hard to see any good. We forget our biggest fan is standing right next to us...God, our Father. He also puts others in our lives to cheer us on, just in case we overlook that He is there.  In my case, my guy (who happens to be at the Purdue/Notre Dame game....why else would I be watching it??)

Anything is possible............   

Decay & Renewal

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16

Pretty poignant, wouldn't you say? On one hand, it is a bit depressing.  Think about it. Every day that passes, our bodies are decaying more and more. Today for instance, I was working out, and I swear I heard my knees making a funny noise as I lunged. It was like a door that needed to be oiled. Then, there is the other tell tale sign - gray hair! I guess I need to get to the hairstylist pretty soon to cover those up. I really am not afraid of growing older but my body rotting or crumbling....well, that isn't a good vision.

On the other hand, our inner self being renewed day by day is something to be joyous about. I like the idea of being transformed more in the image of God and being empowered with His grace on a daily basis. It gives me the strength to carry on each day.

So, in short, the longer we live, the more we have to die to self, in every way.  By doing so, we get closer to the journey's end and final reward...being with God.

Looking at it that way, I guess I can gladly look forward to glasses, dentures and arthritis.      

The Why Question

As I drove in to work this morning, I had the same conversation that I have with God on a daily basis.  You know, the one that goes something along the lines, "Why can't this happen yet? Why do I have to be patient? Why does it have to be this way? Why?" I am sure He is probably as tired of hearing it as I am tired of wondering it.  But, I can't seem to help it, I still ask. (Shame on me!!)

Today, as most days, my frustration was with the distance between my guy and myself.  I was remembering what it was like to wake up beside him, sometimes opening my eyes before him and just gazing upon his sleepy form.  I always had that desire to just reach out and run my hands through his hair.  Instead, afraid of waking him up, I would chose to watch the way his body moved with his every breath, ever so slowly rising and falling.  I would listen to the soft moans that escaped through his lips. Ok, I have it bad!! Did I tell you that I really dislike this distance?!

As I was remembering all of this and trying to remind myself that the reasons we are apart are good ones, God must have thumped me on the head.  All of a sudden, I had this little thought...there has to be some reasons to be thankful for the distance, even little, itty, bitty ones.

So, after much thought, I came up with these.....

My reasons to be thankful for our long distance relationship:

• I don't have to wonder if I'll scare him if I don't have my makeup on
• I don't have to try to look my best all day long
• I don't have to shave every day
• I can lay in bed, eatting chocolate candy in frumpy clothes (yes, I have some!), and watch Lifetime without being laughed at if tears start to fall  
• I can burp out loud if I want (hey, it's fun sometimes to be like a guy!)
• I don't have to think twice about going to the restroom
• I can use all the toilet paper I want!!
• I don't have to worry if he knows that I am PMS'ing (the truth is, he can tell even over the phone but I pretend that he has no clue)
• I can be bloaty and crampy (again, PMS) and not have to try to hold in my belly or try to fit into my skinny clothes
• I can have a zit break out without being terribly conscious of it
• I can eat my hot corn, chili, parmesan cheese and mayonnaise mixture without grossing him out
• I can be lazy on the weekends and wake up as late as I want (like when I was a teenager!)
• I can have a dirty car (in my defense, it's been really clean the last few months)

Good reasons, eh?

Still, still....why, oh why, do we have to be apart??